Educate Your Child Your Way

Most parents realize that educating their children is not as simple as finding out where the neighborhood kids go to school, packing lunches, arranging for transportation and meeting the teacher twice a year. Nevertheless, there is a tendency to leave education to the "experts," i.e., the school. Often parents act as if they carry little responsibility for child-rearing and the school is meant to provide a formal and moral education for their child.

It is hard to say how this started, but many schools foster this perception and treat parents as if they were incapable of transmitting authentic Torah values to their children. A lot of energy is expended on making sure that the parents do not get in the way of their children's Torah education. For some families this approach may be a lifesaver. Parents who feel inadequate in training children toward the lofty goal of becoming a wholesome individual capable of making the proper, free-willed choice to do the right thing can hand their child over to the educational institution, pray and follow instructions. If parents recognize that they cannot give their children the spiritual strength to rise above the threats to human character from both extremes of fate-joy as well as suffering-they can give the local school the chance to impart yiras shomayim and the skills for disciplined living (i.e., the strength to exercise control over natural inclinations). If their child succeeds, they can be proud of their offspring. If not, they can blame the system.

For other families, the opportunity to imbue a youngster with love of life and learning, with Torah values and ethics, is what makes parenting so rewarding. What may not be plain is that raising, training and educating the children whom Hashem granted a family is not just a privilege; it is a duty. Hopefully, most parents in our Torah community cherish their obligation to guide their children in being (or becoming) the best servants of Hashem (ovdei Hashem) they can be.

Technically, the Torah placed the full responsibility for Jewish education squarely on the parents. The true role of a school is limited to that which the parents delegate to it. However, since the objective of Jewish education (i.e., the successful transmission of values and practices to the next generation) is vital to the survival of the Jewish nation, when the system became inefficient, allowances were made and the formation of schools became a necessary aberration in order to ensure the future of Judaism.[1]

Education as we know it encompasses two elements. The first is a formal program of instruction in which a professional teacher imparts information and intellectual stimulation. This usually follows a fixed curriculum. The second, more important component is informal training in Jewish values and ethics, which requires role models and practical examples. Moral training is only minimally effective when done by sermonizing and the frontal, classroom-style of instruction.[2] It is most effective when modeled by personal example or when one "learns by doing"–which is the halachic definition of the term chinuch. So when it comes to moral training, it is the parents who are the prime teachers, whether they like it or not. By divine design, children naturally look up to their parents for this kind of guidance. This puts parents in the best position to inculcate morality in their children. Hence, parents should consciously commit themselves to doing a good job.

The healthiest approach is for parents to assume full control for both elements of their child's education and view the school as an agent to convey specific aspects of the curriculum. The parents might want their child to learn Chumash, math, reading and Mishna, but they may not have the time, patience, or knowledge to do a good job, so they ask the school for help. If the parents want some other course that the school does not offer, they will have to pursue it on their own.

Although a school may say it will take care of both types of educational needs of your child, in reality this is not possible. Schools tend to offer formal, not moral education. Unless children's behavior at school has a direct bearing on their studies, their ethical and moral training there will be negligible. No school can afford to devote much attention to remedying students' moral weaknesses. Such an emphasis would be at the expense of meeting the educational requirements of other students. Teachers usually see their students in terms of their scholastic achievements. Even if they do get to know their students' character, they may have no idea how they behave towards their parents or in other more relaxed settings.[3]

It is critical, therefore, for parents to assume the full burden of responsibility for training their children in ethics and morality. For religious Jews, success and happiness in life are dependent on whether we use our knowledge and skills for moral purposes. If our children are endowed with the highest level of knowledge and skills and can solve practical problems but are not adequately prepared to make the right moral choices, what have we given them? If they are going to be swayed by personal inclination and outside influences, even the best schooling, despite good intentions, is practically meaningless. A school can facilitate instilling ethics and moral development by offering workshops for the parents and introducing programs in which the children do activities-both in and out of school-that elicit derech eretz. But ultimately the job must be done with love, complete knowledge of the individual and repetitive exercises. This demands that parents spend a significant period of time with their children on a regular basis.[4]

In any case, the school should employ teachers who are fully conscious of the ethical ideal and who reinforce the moral training that students receive at home. The behavior of all mechanchim must reflect yiras shomayim; reinforce proper appreciation of authority and demonstrate fine character. This serves to maintain proper moral training, but it cannot be counted on to produce this crucial aspect of education.[5]

The children would benefit most if both parents and schools adopted this separation of roles. In this ideal model, the school would recognize its own limitations and far more would be achieved within the narrower scope of textual and formal education. The staff would not feel compelled to emphasize nuances of hashkofoh in the classroom that are debated among committed Jews, since that would be recognized as the parents' domain.[6] With the reduction of conflicting messages, families would gain greater ability to influence their children. Nor would the school attempt to educate the parents to be in line with the school's philosophy or circumscribe their behavior. The fresh perspective would enable the school to be open to parental requests for more personalized curricula; students could take private lessons in areas of greater priority to their parents.[7] There could be greater tolerance for different approaches to avodas Hashem. The school could encompass a broader cross-section of committed Jews, and the students and the Jewish people would gain. With more resources freed up, the school could accomplish more of its academic objectives. As long as the parents and administration share fundamental values i
n Judaism and the children are not exposed to influences that will negatively affect their capacity to absorb and process the formal education, there should not be conflict.[8]

Unfortunately, in most schools none of this is happening. Perhaps the schools sense that parents are not interested in playing a prime role in their children's moral development, so by default they assume this job. This makes the weight of responsibility tremendous. The school administration now feels that Jewish survival, and nothing less, is on its shoulders. As long as parents were molding their children, individually perfecting them as true ovdei Hashem, the rebbi's job was manageable. The instructor was only responsible for the classroom studies; strength of character and moral fortitude came from the family. Now the school must devise a way to ensure the continuity of the heart and soul of the Jewish people. Instead of developing a strategy for building up each individual, they have found a way to preserve the masses, to transfer the bulk of what we have today to the next generation. The new scheme seeks to protect the purity of the community and buffer Jewish children from negative influences. Consequently, the students' individuality is lost and uniformity becomes an educational goal; many defensive walls are erected. This system has numerous negative by-products.

It is possible to right things and reintroduce family involvement in moral education. Schools can be relegated to their proper place and viewed as the parents' agent. Even if this cannot be fully done, any attempt in this direction will surely have at least some positive effects on the children's character. A secondary benefit may be that the schools will drop their goal as the preservers of Judaism along with some of the defenses that take the form of rules and regulations that frustrate parents. The change in atmosphere would reduce distortions of Judaism that many children have absorbed. Children would come to appreciate Yiddishkeit as a dynamic and meaningful way of life. But before any of the benefits that will result from a change in the schools' attitude can take place, the parents must win the confidence of the school administrators and convince them that they are taking their job as parent-educators seriously. This last provision may make such dreams unrealistic. Yet a change in the attitudes of parents, even if the school will not see things their way, can significantly help their children.

As parents you must identify your priorities in educating your children and seriously consider whether you are meeting your goals. If not, ask yourself what you can do about it. Chances are the educational institution your child attends cannot offer a comprehensive formal, ethical and moral education. In the final analysis, parents are responsible and will be held accountable for their children's education-or lack thereof.

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