Hachnosas Kalloh

Question:

What is the actual mitzvoh of hachnosas kalloh? I've heard many issues discussed on this topic, such as, "If they don't have money, they shouldn't have such a wedding" or "Let the guy go out and get a job." What is considered hachnosas kalloh?

Answer:

Both the Beis Yosef and the Ramo agree that the responsibility for providing
all the needs of a couple getting married belongs to the community and not the individual.[1]
Nevertheless, should one give money towards the needs of a couple who cannot provide
for it with their own means, it is considered tzedokoh and can be deducted
from maaser kesofim.

It is incumbent upon every girl's father to make certain that his daughter gets
married. It is a financial obligation that goes along with fatherhood.[2]
Should the father not be able to afford the costs, he should collect tzedokohtzedokoh.[3]
If her parents will not be contributing to the expenses of her upcoming marriage,
the entire community should come forward and help her out financially.[4]

Giving to a young couple is considered giving to tzedokoh, but the community
(and certainly an individual) does not have to make a poor person rich; it need
only provide for their basic needs. The Shulchan Aruch illustrates this with regard
to a young man trying to obtain the means to provide for a wife by saying that the
community shall help him rent an apartment. Renting is a temporary solution.
One is not required to buy an apartment for a young couple. If one gives money towards
the purchase of an apartment it is not entirely clear that it can be viewed as giving
tzedokoh. Nowadays, however, due to cultural and practical considerations,
some young people may not be able to find a suitable shidduch unless they
offer a sizeable amount of money to be used towards the purchase of an apartment.
Hence, money given towards the purchase is effectively being used to enable the
person to marry someone suitable. The money given is therefore considered tzedokoh.

So if you want to be sure that the money you give towards hachnosas kalloh
qualifies as tzedokoh, it is important to verify that it will be used to
meet the couple's needs. For example, if you wish to give money for the hall and
seudoh of the chasunah, you should confirm how many guests are expected
and what will be served. Every choson and kalloh have different standards
depending on their social standing. A kalloh from a modest family in which a small,
simple wedding is anticipated should not ask for money to finance a large, fancy
wedding. Money given for an extravagant wedding, it would seem, should not be considered
tzedokoh.[5]

Similarly, with regard to giving money towards the purchase of an apartment,
one who wishes to give tzedokoh must make sure that the couple is buying
what they need. If they can rent, then only money towards rent is definitely
tzedokoh. If the shidduch would be broken unless an apartment is purchased,
and there is reason to believe that at least one of the two would not find a suitable
shidduch without such a large amount of money, then the minimum amount of
money towards an apartment can be considered tzedokoh. Should a one-bedroom
apartment suffice for the people negotiating on behalf of the couple, any amount
above that would not be viewed as tzedokoh.

Another issue that often arises is the location of the apartment. It would seem
that insistence on living in a religious neighborhood in Eretz Yisroel is to be
taken for granted for a religious couple. It does not have to be near their parents
or friends, but it should be a socially and religiously acceptable environment even
if that usually costs more than nonreligious neighborhoods.[6]

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